Miscommunication happens, especially with virtual teams. But there are definitely ways go improve matters - namely, by reflecting.

My job requires me to work with many people remotely, on a daily, if not hourly, basis. In fact, most of the people I work with are remote. I have co-workers and contractors in: San Francisco, Florida, Minnesota, Seattle, Switzerland, Singapore, and of course, Montreal. While we keep in touch via e-mail, IM, telephone and the occasional video-conference, I’d be lying to you if I were to say it has been smooth-sailing all the time. We try our best to stay aligned, we really do. In fact, I hold cross-function/cross-geography weekly meetings with the very aim of helping us to remain on the same page. But, when working remotely, subtle things like knowing when to speak, or interpreting sarcasm is just plain hard. Don’t get me wrong, for the most part, we get along. In person, things run quite smoothly in my opinion; But with every degree of separation, our communications get muddied. (For those who’ve never worked with a remote team, try the following: explain to a parent how to connect a Blu-Ray player to a HD TV over the phone in 15 minutes. For extra credit: explain how to program a PVR you’ve never seen before.)

Reflecting

One tactic that I’ve learned from a training course at Autodesk is “reflecting”. (Surprisingly, in all my years during my MBA, this was never taught to us - but this is neither here nor there.) What reflecting is, in essence, is taking the time to “reflect” or paraphrase what the other person is saying. The idea here is that unless you both have a common understanding of each other’s view or situation, you can’t head anywhere constructive. To not reflect while communicating is like starting to drive around a new town without a map - you’ll end up somewhere, but probably not where you need to go.

What are you, an idiot?

For instance, let’s say someone charges into your office and says,”Your report is full of incorrect figures! What are you, an idiot?” The natural reaction here is to get defensive and make excuses. But doing so doesn’t really get any anywhere useful. All you have, are excuses but no courses of action. A more constructive response would be, “I feel you are upset about some of the figures I’ve given you. Am I mistaken?” 

Yes, this sounds silly. Believe me, I know. But it’s surprising how taking this reflective approach begins to calm the other side down (I’ve tested this in the heat of a marital dispute - so I know this helps). Also, “I feel” is a better way to start a reflection as compared to “You are.” By saying that you feel, you are not making any assumptions (and we all know what assuming does) and more importantly the other person cannot disagree with you. You feel what you feel. There is no disputing that.

Also reflecting summarizes your understanding of the situation and allows the other side to help you correct your understanding. So with one sentence, what did we do here? We are actively listened, attempted to calm down the other party, expressed our understanding of the situation and given the other party an opportunity to correct our understanding. Wow. In just one sentence. From here, you can begin your journey in finding the root-cause of the other party’s anger.

Perception is reality

Another thing to know is that we base all our judgments and decisions on perceptions, not facts. To be explicit, we make judgments based on our perception and interpretation of facts. When we communicate, we must make reference to the reality that our opinions are only based on a perception. If for whatever reason, our perception of a situation changes, there is good chance our opinion will change.

For instance, say that someone says to you, “You are lazy.” Gut reaction? You get angry, hurt, and defensive (at least I feel those would be natural reactions). Why? They are making the statement like its the truth. Perhaps you work 16-hour days, juggle responsibilities at home and volunteer every weekend. In your opinion, you are the furthest thing from “lazy”. But, know, that from the other person’s perspective, from they see, to them, you appear lazy. Sometimes all you have to do is work on this perception rather than shuffle your life around.

A better way to phrase this criticism would have been, “From my experiences in working with you, and from what I can see of your work habits, I feel you are not putting in the effort I would expect from you.” OK. Maybe that’s a bit to PC. But you get the point.

Reflecting in virtual teams

Working virtually often robs you of your sight and hearing. Especially in the case of email, you lose intonation, you fall victim to typos, and have to suffer time delays. In these cases reflecting is even more vital. With time delays and other such challenges, its top costly to misunderstand each other. Taking the extra hour upfront could save you days in execution (or in a worse case, stopping execution).

A rule of thumb (one I’m guilty of not following all the time), if you are frustrated in having to take the time to reflect your understanding of each others’ emails, you probably should pick up the phone or at the very least, jump onto IM. At least you remove a barrier, be it sound or time-delays.

With that, I leave you with a quick video of what I’m talking about. Before you laugh at it, try it in your workplace. I feel it will make a difference.

Disclaimer: I am, by far, not a perfect communicator. Improving my communication skills has been a work in progress for a long time. I’m just sharing something that has worked for me.